28 pounds lost so far, and counting. Figured I should tab when I work out so I can beat myself up for not working out more

Today: 30 minutes on treadmill, 15 of that with 2 pound weights, 1 minute of running, 29 minutes of speed walking. 175 calories burned.
10 minutes of leg & butt strengthening exercises.

My insecurities are ruining my relationships. I have a tendency to not feel wanted, even when I am. I victimize myself. It's hard to erase the past few years.

I'd like an easy fix. "Do this, and you will achieve that." I don't know how to get over it.

A few days ago I went to a therapist that was recommended to me by a coworker.

First, let me back up. A few weeks ago before George and I filed for divorce, he sent me a text and said "let's go to counselling" - something I begged him for two years to do and he refused every time. He would say that there was nothing that a counselor could do. Naturally, when he texted that to me a few weeks ago I was taken aback. I asked him why he suddenly wanted to go. He said the main reason was because he wanted to be able to tell our story to the therapist and then the therapist would tell me that I needed to have lower expectations and I needed to stop trying to lead a fairy tale life.

So I went to this guy the other day, spent an hour in there telling him about George and his life story and our story. At the end of the session, he said that was very glad that I got out of the relationship, that it was the right thing to do. Not only that, but I told him about my friend Adam that came down to visit me shortly after I moved out, and the therapist said that it was great that I have Adam in my life to give me the attention and love that I missed out on when George abandoned me. "Abandon" was the therapist word.

I left the session feeling a thousand pounds lighter, feeling invigorated and justified. It was even a bit of a shock to hear that I wasn't wrong and that I wasn't a horrible person for wanting attention. It was a great validation to hear it from a neutral, third party professional.

I just hope I'm not naive with the next relationship in thinking that "love conquers all" when there are real, lasting problems. Not problems like putting the toilet paper in upside-down... real problems like drinking six beers every single night as a minimum and rule.

I feel like I can move on effectively now.

You cannot control what others are going to say or do, you can only control how you let it affect you. Don't blame your mother for ruining your life because she moved you and your family to a different city. Don't blame your dad for never being around. Don't blame your ex husband because he's a douchebag.

Also,

He signed the paper like it was a business transaction. I was tearing and he couldn't care less. 

It's done. I'm divorced.

I feel like it's 50% my fault for not seeing that he didn't love me in the first place, that all he wanted was a roommate.
I feel like the other 50% is his fault for not ever speaking to me about my issues, and refusing to see the issues, and refusing to try to work on the issues.

Maybe more like 60/40.... or maybe more 70/30...

I cried. Then I cried some more.

I moved out. Then I ordered the papers.

Someone is inside my chest, putting pressure against my ribcage and making it ache.
Someone is grabbing my heart, stretching it like taffy, digging their sharp nails into the organ.

George is the one with the problem. He has low mobility and extremely low penetration, whatever that's called. So if his sperm actually do get to the egg, which is unlikely, then the chance they have to penetrate is next to nothing.

They say the option is In Vitro, which is $10,000. Maybe I should start a fund for people to donate their monies to me because we will never be able to afford that.

I can't even describe the depression I feel.

I just had a realization.

I hate my job.

I'm going to Vernal today!

I've found I can read.

From the latest series I'm reading: Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson

      "You sound like you still believe in him." Vin turned and walked to the edge of the flat-topped roof, staring out over the quiet, shadowy city.
      "I do, Mistress," Sazed said.
      "How? How can you?"
      Sazed shook his head, walking over to stand beside her. "Belief isn't simply a thing for fair times and bright days, I think. What is belief - what is faith - if you don't continue in it after failure?"
      Vin frowned.
      "Anyone can believe in someone, or something, that always succeeds, Mistress. But failure . . . ah, now, that is hard to believe in, certainly and truly. Difficult enough to have value, I think."